When you don’t know who to blame, when you don’t know how to fix it, when you don’t understand why it’s happening to you, when you don’t know how long you can live with it, you just feel ANGRY. I felt angry that PCOS “happened” to me. I was angry that I had to contend with it for the rest of my life. I was extremely bothered by how my body was morphing into something that felt bigger, harrier, uglier, and crazier than I had ever seen in the mirror before. I was upset with the world: my parents for giving me the genes, the doctors for not having the cure, and the cruel people who made fun of my appearance. Yes! I was one pissed off sista…and the anger was ruling my life.
I was mean and cantankerous with my family and loved ones. I was almost always on edge and ready to blow at the smallest thing that bothered me. I was far away from peace or any type of happiness. I just wanted my body to be “normal” and I wanted the whole nightmare of PCOS to go away! I didn’t want to talk about my weight with the doctors anymore. I wanted the tests and assessments and medication trials to stop. I wanted a solution to problem of PCOS. I wanted a cure!
So, I began to bargain with God. “If you just please heal me and make this go away, I promise I will be a better person. Please forgive me for whatever I did to bring this on my body. I’ve learned whatever lesson you are trying to teach me, and I just want this to all be over. What is it that you want me to learn from this?” I talked to God because I figured that God made me, so God could “fix” me. I made promises and asked for mercy. I cried and I hoped for God to answer my prayers for healing and happiness. But underneath all of that, I was angry with God too! I was angry because I felt that God made me defective. I felt that The Creator made so many mistakes in designing my body. I felt that I was broken and messed up and that it was God’s fault.
Stay Tuned for My Next Post About My 7 Stages of Grief With PCOS: “Depression, Rejection, and Loneliness”
Have you ever been at that point in your life where you felt anger around your body and health? Have you ever felt that God made you with defects and that everyone else around you seems to be made beautiful and healthy? Have you ever bargained with God and made promises to: eat better, exercise more, live a healthier life if you could just have a different body? That is no way to live day in and day out. Living in a constant state of anger is toxic to our whole being: mind, body, emotions, and spirit. We do not HAVE to live like that. It is not the Divine Design for our life. We have the power to release anger and embrace the healing power of Love into our own lives. Would you like to talk learn how to release your anger? Would you like support in making Peace with your body? Let’s connect to talk about how I can help you do that!
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